My friends laughed along with me when the first photo we pulled up on one widow dating website was of a man who was clearly older than my father. Where were all the other young widows and widowers? I looked into more mainstream dating sites. Yes, I could list that I was a widow on my profile.
But would that scare men away? Worse, might it draw creepy men, like the ones who pretended to be widowers and stalked my Facebook page? I spent hours trying to figure out what to put in the forms online. But as I thought about whether to actually make my profile live, the bigger question remained unanswered. Even if I manage to communicate that I am a widow before the first date, a load of baggage remains.
Is he supposed to ask about my late husband? Am I supposed to avoid my loss entirely? Recently, I met a handsome stranger and we got to talking about religion and spirituality. Not surprisingly, it had the effect of stopping all conversation.
Of course it did. This type of behavior — speaking before I could really think about my response — is something I found is common for many widows. What you see is what you get. In my case, that means you get a year-old widow with three young kids. How do you put that on a profile? Another found love in a grief group, only to find out that the man was horribly demeaning and all they really shared was the incredible bad luck that brought them to the group.
But when I look at my digital options, I feel overwhelmed by even the seemingly small issues that arise all the time. Most of the formerly married people I see online are divorced. While I am of course okay with dating a divorced man, I have found that widows and divorcees have different points of view about the past. Divorce — even one that was amicable — severs a relationship with some degree of clarity and purpose.
And there will inevitably be some guilt, some practical hurdles and some emotional highs and lows to navigate along the way. Some WAY members choose not to reveal that they've been widowed straight away, as they worry that it might make them feel too vulnerable. Others report that potential dates run a mile when they say they've been widowed. Follow some basic on-line dating rules: Always meet up with someone in a public place the first time you meet. Get them to call you during the date in case you need an excuse for a hasty exit!
Who knows? You might even have some fun. Here she shares some words of wisdom on the challenges of finding love again following bereavement Read more. Other than dinners and dates, he has never paid for anything for me.
In fact during COVID I have been going grocery shopping and often buy groceries for him and will not take any money from him. He is a very special man, and I feel really good when I am with him, but I cannot change myself for him. If I choose to lose weight it will be for me, just like the weight I lost prior to meeting him was for me.
I have never wanted to be with anyone as much as I have wanted to be with him. We got on great liked the same interests. He said I made him happy and I said he made me happy. Then he finished with me said he set in his own routine.
Going to visit his 90yrs old mother. Training and golf. I said he had my phone number if he changes his mind. Thats all you can do, Rosemary. Thank you for this! He had been dating others before me but when we met, we both felt a familiarity with each other and quickly became an item. The way in which he honours his wifes memory and the way he showed up for her in her many years of ill health is part of what makes me care so much for him.
My gut tells me that might be a little surreal and difficult for him and his family who are also grieving the loss of his wife. Keep it up. He sounds like a good man. I like how thoughtful he is about what matters in life and how expecting all things to be a certain way is the wrong way to go. He sure learned that lesson the hard way. Samantha, I was in a similar situation. My widower now my husband is older and had been married for almost 40 years, but that marriage taught him how to love, how to care, and what he wants.
We were engaged 5 months later but waited a couple years to actually get married for a variety of reasons. We lived together in the house they shared and have made it our own. I count his long, mostly happy marriage, as a blessing to me because he loves me so beautifully. Keep your head on straight. Keep talking. Keep creating your own love with him. I hope he is your happily-ever-after. Thank you both so much for your beautiful insights. It certainly is about creating your own love style together.
I have been surprised at how many people in our day-to-day life have unhelpful opinions on this subject. Thank you all for sharing your experiences. Hello there. They were together 3 years and were engaged. I understand that she will always hold a big piece of his heart and he will always love her. We had our ups and downs but we managed. Thank you in advance for your response. BN dating a widower who lost his wife two months ago.
If he was he would be having conversations with you. I have had a crush on someone i worked with 50 years ago. I guess today you would call him eye candy.
He was happily married and i knew, like and respected his wife. She passed 12 years ago. Out of curiosity i found him on the internet and it looked like he has remarried a couple of years ago. End of story. No, not quite. We both were at an event in February I was sitting and he walked in alone and our eyes locked.
I then turned to see where he went, and he was still walking but looking back at me and eyes locked again. Again, i blinked and looked over to someone who knew I always had had a crush on him.
He just smiled. I then got up and went to talk to other guests. Later it just so happened that we were sitting across from each other at the formal dinner. So i happened to look at my friend who gave me the thumbs up. When i turned back around and lifted my eyes up and our eyes locked again. Since then there have been some subtle hints from mutual friends that something special happened to both of us that night. I feel like when our eyes locked it was almost like being in movie.
Neither one of us spoke or even smiled. I am not into having an affair. But i do want to know if he secretly had a crush on me all these years and neither of us knew it until that night. Should i at least find out where he is or wonder for the rest of my life what could have been and if i had missed the opportunity to be with my soul mate. Sure, go for it. Why not? But get your feet on the ground, sister.
He lost his mom and wife within three days of each other over a year and a half ago. He is very interested and willing to do anything and then, quiet, distant and sending mixed messages. We avoid deep conversation because we know there are feelings between us what should I do?
Lisa he told you his truth: he is broken. Do you want to be with a man who is unsure and insecure about you, his future…probably even himself? Not a man you have to coddle and take care of.
I believe in having a good balance of head and heart but where this is concerned, lean strongly on your intellect. Best, Bp. I am in a relationship with a widower. We dated for 2 months then started to spend more time together like living together. I still had my apt. Then he said we were moving too fast so in a mad furry I took my things including my pets home.
Now we are back in touch we both admitted moving too fast. So we are seeing each other this week, we both admit that we still love each other but we were moving too fast. He says he is leaving the pictures of his wife on the book shelf because he wants to keep his memories of her. Joined June 9 and met a widower, age 73, June He found me, actually. It was an incredible meeting. We met in a parking lot, I was picking up my car at an auto body shop and he surprised me and showed up.
We went for coffee and talked for 3 hours. He asked if he could hold my hand. I agreed and he told me later at that point he just knew I was the one. Our second meeting we talked 4 hours and kissed. It was like fireworks exploded. After 9 weeks we are committed to one another. I was not seeking love or a relationship only a companion to go to lunch or dinner with and enjoy deep conversations on any subject. After viewing what happened and so quickly we decided it was our destiny.
Meeting, having so much in common, chemistry, likes and dislikes, etc. All he wants to do is make me happy. I have suffered a lot of grief in losing my brother also.
He us constantly thinking about me and what is next on our trips. I feel so blessed to have found love on our last leg of our lives together. Thank you for sharing This, Susan. I am over-the-moon happy for you! What a wonderful story. Yep, DOES happen!
Enjoy and be well. You are so fortunate! We knew each other in high school and I k ew his wife in college. I married one of his best friends and they were both in my wedding. I met up with him two years ago when I found that his wife passed away. A few months later we started dating. We sat in love. He has an adult daughter who is 41, never married, moved home when her mother was ill with cancer and has not left almost three years later.
She is not happy with our relationship. Her dad is always trying to tiptoe around her feelings and says he loves me, but since we live miles apart and date long distance, this is difficult.
Hi Colleen. Tough, I know. He responded to the scene. Yesterday, we were out for dinner and he plays keno. He plays his birthday and her birthday along with other numbers that are significant to him. No numbers relating to me. I was heart broken and asked him about it knowing full well that number was her birthday. He confirmed. Any thoughts? There are a lot of other details with regard to her that have an impact on him. Give him a chance by sharing how you feel and maybe ask if you can work together to come to a way he can continue to honor her while making you feel valued and special.
To love, Bp. I have more of a concern. I am 53 and dated an older man for 6 yrs. He lost his spouse in We started dating in He continues to address her in the present tense as his wife. He would always bring out pictures of her and ask questions that made me uncomfortable. One day I saw on his nightstand a portrait or her and him. I had to make a tough decision for myself that he was not ready to move on.
I just want to know how do you handle situations like this. I lost my wife after having been with her for 25 years. It was a heart attack with no warning. I met a woman online Karen who is just wonderful and understanding. It is impossible to talk about my life for the past 25 years without frequently mentioning her. Together they have a lot of shared experiences. I think this helped Karen understand that I am not talking about my wife just to hear her name mentioned or as an excuse to think about her, but as a legitimate attempt to share my life with Karen.
You are helping so much!! I was dating a guy for 3 mos. His gf of 1 yr ago died. He broke up with me after a argument accusing me of being dramatic.
He claimed everything was fine in the beginning. He told me in month 2 that she the deceased gf sent me to replace herself.
He had a bad marriage to a different women twice where she divorced him both times 20 yrs total both marriages. When I started asking about me fitting in since he says he loves me? This sounds like it has nothing to do with him being a widower. He sounds like a selfish jerk. Way too young, Paul. Try to go your own way regardless of how others judge. How could they possibly know what you are feeling and needing?
Is it healthy to feel you are not emotionally suited to date a widower? I am 29 and my previous partner was 40 and a widower. At first I saw this as a good thing for the reasons you stated, but later down the road realized I think it would be healthier to date someone who has had more similar life experiences to me. Yes Jane. Good decision to move on. Bobbi, I lost my wife of 45 years last year. The last five years of her life were very difficult due to her declining health.
We had a very strong marriage with lots of love and understanding and when she died a part of myself died as well. I can tell from reading the comments that I am in no way ready to start dating.
I exhibit many of the sign that I am still grieving. The last thing my wife said to me before she died was for me to promise her that I would get remarried. It seemed like an odd statement to make at the time, but after much reflection I understand her motives and what was in her heart. She knew me better that anyone else in this world. We began dating at Right now the idea of getting remarried seems so remote.
But, with time I could see the possibility of dating again. I cherish the institution of marriage and yes falling in love again. But where on earth do I start? Dating at my age 65 seems so daunting to me.
Thanks for your website and to those who share their stories, opinions and advice on a very painful subject. I can only imagine the pain. You start right here where you are: reading, learning, getting to know yourself again — maybe even in some kind of different way.
You can see many comments from men here about their experiences and feelings. These are just photos. He can put them in the photo album like people did in past. Why widowers are not so compassionate about family photos of divorced partners?
There are children involved too and for their sake there should be family photos on the walls. Unfortunately most widowed would throw tantrums if women insisted on keeping their photos on the walls of their handsome, young looking ex husbands whom they once loved dearly holding their beautiful babies in their strong arms or maybe kissing and all happy wedding photos for kids sake obviously. Do you hear yourself? You can not have your cake and eat it too. As a widower if I was dating a divorcee who took offense to a picture of my late wife and me bringing her up from time to time but yet expected me to accept her pictures of the family with her ex around the house and her talking about him that is a huge deal breaker.
We all have pasts and either our exes or late spouses were a huge part of our lives. It sounds to me like you are the one with the problem. While I might be a bit less direct, I agree with you, Jim. Keep some pictures up and continue to love your wife. There are women who,as long as you show them the love and care they deserve, will understand and accept that there is still a place in your heart for your lovely late wife. Wishing you the best. And thanks for your thoughts here. I am sorry but many women hide their true feelings about the photos pretending they are ok with it because they love these men and they are aware that these men would rather leave them then put the photos of late wives in kids room or in the photo albums.
This is exactly what is happening here. These women are on antidepressants or in counselling to survive the life with a widower and his beautiful, undying love for another woman, which he is more than happy to throw at her face every single day. Not surprise at all!
Even though these women say nothing at the beginning the resentment grows but why widower would care? Check out limiting beliefs and unconscious bias, girlfriend. He had separated from his wife months before she killed herself. He blew me off a few times and I stopped seeing him and dated someone else last summer. It took 6 months before we really kissed and finally became intimate. But everything else about what he does and says shows me that he is.
This is very difficult for me. Hi JJ. Likely goes far back in his life. Explore what you must have to feel safe and secure. If you need the words, he may not be the man. But do you?? Hope this helps in some way. Best wishes. I was married for 15 years. Well I started dating in , and got married last year. It makes her feel really bad and I feel bad when it happens. Is that a normal thing, and what can I do to stop this from happening?
I can see why it upsets her though it is a habit for you. Just like breaking any other habit it takes continuous work and focus to change. Keep talking to your wife and ask her what might you be able to do or say to help her when yo do slip.
Best to you and your wife, Rob. Hi I am a divorcee with two daughters. I met a widower on a dating site four years after he lost his wife to cancer, they had a son who is now 15 years old. He is such a wonderful person and wants my girls and i to move in with him as its been a long distance relationship.
However, he has not promised any commitment in the form of marriage and was very upfront about it. He believes that a person only marries once in their life. He has a photo of her in the living room and one at his office and i am ok with that. I am ok with that as they share a son together and many happy years of marriage. Hello, I have been dating a widower for 7 years. Much of the time we have been apart due to my work. He lost his wife 13 years ago after a progressively debilitating illness.
He said many times that their marriage was not great and he was thinking of leaving. But once she was diagnosed he stayed by her. Great attribute in a guy! I feel, however, that he is still living in the past. He talks about her all the time and every significant date has a related Facebook post. In any attempt to express my feelings about any of this he gets defensive.
He has offered me to move into his home, but I cannot do it. He even is trying to keep the paint the same because his wife had decorated. He is a loving, caring and supportive man. He has stood by me. But I feel like I am living in the shadow.
Do some guys just want it both ways? M: Every man is different and has different needs and ways to hang on to his memories.
Probably Time to take some action. The widower I was dating broke up with me when I told him I wondered if he was ready to love me ther. Way I needed and wanted to be loved. I told him I felt small and unimportant when he often talked about her.
I was very nice and calm and shakey voices because I feared the worst and he broke up with me. Hi Bobbi. The widower who broke up with me came back and asked me out after 2 weeks. I did go out with him again and he didnt mention her at all. I really do love this man; he is good to me in many ways. I am trying to get passed the thought that if he truly loved me, he would not have broken what we had. But, then I told myself that maybe I was the first person who ever shared those feelings with him in a romantic relationship and he might not have known how to take it and maybe needed that time to process what might have felt like a sucker-punch to him.
Thank you for your earlier response. Move on. He somehow was when it suited him, when he wanted sex and companionship from this woman. In a normal dating world we would say he was a jerk who took advantage of her, lead her on, most liekly love bombed her at the beginning with affection and promises.
Now we have another woman with broken heart and poor widower getting all the sympathy because he is grieving. If he decides after few months after fun, sex, free childcare,cooking and psychotherapy etc. I am sorry dear ladies but this is a rule in a dating widower world. If they have chances to take advantage of you they would. The vast VAST majority are kind, decent, imperfect people — just like us.
And yes, also widowers. Remember that we attract what we believe to be true. I distrust widowers and the widowed community for making others believe that widowers are worth more that they really are, not men in general. Actually, after dating an ex widower and meeting women who dated them , I am confidently saying that divorced men in general are easy piece of cake in comparison.
As long as divorce proceedings are over these men are ready to built their new life with their women that is new and not build it on their pervious marriage. Not so long ago woman who was married to a widower posted a photo on Facebook group. It looked like a ghost. He argued with his new wife that this was the right thing to do and she should stop being jealous of dead so she posted it on Facebook….
There are tones of this kind of stories by women who date or are married to widowers so please make your research before you encouraging pathetic behaviours. The more you are emotionally abusive towards your new partner the higher you are getting to win the price. I am no longer posting your comments after this as they continue to be antithetical to my professional experience and expert opinion.
We get your point: all widowers — every single one — are psycho, selfish, assholes. It says a lot that you feel you have to continue to argue this same point over and over. This is about you not being able to let go of something that happened to you.
Yep, there are bad guys who are widowed. And, like everything else, there are lots of good ones. I met this great guy 20 years ago. We were crazy for each other. Issue: he was in a troubled marriage and had young kids.
Fast forward to Jan —he reached out to me and told me that he lost his mother and wife in the previous two year span. He told me that he thought about me every day for the last 20 years and once we started talking it was the same as when we first met. We were madly in love. Now he is suddenly feeling some guilt and things have slowed down. I just want to know what I can do to support him and help him to feel better. I am a 31 year old living in Africa and recently dating a 52 year old African living in the UK… I find it quite hard to connect because he is very straightforward with his replys to my question and am very careful to talk about his dead wife or life with her…j like him very much..
How do I get a reliable widower to marry? Five years running I want to remarry. So my boyfriends wife committed suicide about 20 months ago if my memory serves right. And we have been dating for about 6 months now and about to move in together. He was VERY dutiful. He finds me beautiful, smart, etc. We have mutual respect. Or will he cut her off in his new life? There will NOT be sex. I am not going to be his launchpad, trial balloon, etc. But I have nice mountain views in TN, etc.
It would be relaxing. Let him cry, sleep, be silent, whatever. Is that too much…? Thank you to all who can comment. All of these questions are questions you should be talking too and asking him and sharing with him your concerns.
If you want a mature relationship then you also have to do your part to make it one. Thanks, though. Widower for 6 months after 29 years of inter-racial marriage with grown children, after a three year battle with cancer. The mistress element is a big red warning light. He decided that his needs were more important than hers in her affliction. But also, it probably means he is willing to lie and conceal his actions and motives for extended periods of time.
As a hook-up this may be fun. As a relationship? The fact that he is a widower is the least of your problems. Peter, thanks for the reply. I admit that on one level I want to understand that, okay, he needed his needs met because also, by all accounts, he was every dutiful to the wife as caregiver for over 10 years.
Really, he did anything a husband could do. But if he had Ms Booty-side, is he going to keep her around now that the wife is dead? I hope not even for his sake and his soul. He mentions her all the time. I understand that is alot of what he experienced. But that seems his focus. I am just wondering if he is ready to move forward. After 5 years he still has her very present in his house. Is this the norm or is he just not wanting to let go.
Thank you so much for sharing this tip on dating a widower. I was 25 when i met this man in january His wife died of kidney failure in We started quite well, he said he was ready to start afresh, but along the line things are becoming cold and he has 2kids they love me alot and always asking after. Yes he grief in anniversaries and birthday and i understand. But it can be so difficult when i he calls and i say i love u and no response.
Ama let it low till he comes around. I was in a relationship with a widower for almost 18 months. We met 8 weeks after his wife passed. He actively looked online and said he was ready.
We broke up for a day last July then a longer split come August, reuniting in October. We were very much in love and dated privately for four months before I met his daughter We got on well but when I started going to the house an atmosphere began then daughter threw tantrums whenever we went out, which she was never disciplined for.
I was extremely patient but found this all upsetting as I had no control over anything.
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